Love- Love comes to us in so many different forms. It can come in a kind word spoken or read, in the tear sliding down the cheek of a friend or lover, in the smile of a stranger, in the sweet sound of a familiar voice, in the death of a brother, in the life of a relationship…it dwells in us all and is just waiting to be set free.

Love is in every emotion we have, I believe it is even in hate, anger, and fear.

How is the possible you may ask?

I believe that hate, anger and fear are all inviting us to go deeper, to love more, and to reach down into the places that wrap themselves around us and threaten to take our very breath away…and how do we do that without the slightest glimmer of LOVE?

In the past few weeks I have been in the face of all these emotions. I have fallen in love with an amazing man. How God has crafted us to fit together like a puzzle piece is so amazing to me. I have never been in “adult” love before. I have had crushes and I have really liked someone but I have never been in the position where I wanted push past my fear and let someone really love me, see me, all my mess, all my need. If I am honest I have never wanted to put up with anyone’s mess as well. I have for the most part attracted emotionally unstable men because it was safe. Thank God he is running the ship and not me!

My relationship with Michael has taught me that there is such a thing as LOVE.

I am getting to see this kind of love first hand. The kind that sinks down in to your bones and settles there and before you know it they are a part of you…”bone of your bone”

Last week Michael’s brother was killed. Life stopped that night, tears ran making streaks on faces, fears emerged trying to grasp at hearts, grace prevailed and walls came down so that hearts could be opened, life was lost and life was also gained. For me to be there, to sit in the tension of being there for him, letting him grieve, letting God start the healing process, listening…that is LOVE. To see this man that I love come undone, I caught a glimpse of what it must have been like for God to give up Jesus.

Did Gods pain run that deep?…

Michael’s pain was so raw, deep and unbridled. So many things mixed into the tears that ran. Love, loss, anger, shock, memories that run quick to the mind.

I have been thinking a lot about how death and life are just a breath apart. Michael lost his brother in death, but he also gained love in me, in relationships mended, in time spent with family celebrating Brandon’s life.

I feel so perplexed at that combination. How the 2 go hand in hand.

I feel raw with emotions. They bubble up to the surface of my skin, my heart.

Was it like that for God? When he gave Jesus to us? He “lost” in death but gained in love…

He gained all of us!!!!!

Even writing this I am stunned into silence. Because he gained us, Michael will see Brandon again. He will be able to change that last touch that was cold and lifeless. It will be filled with the LOVE that only God can infuse into Brandon's body, blood running in his veins, heat passing into his fingertips.

Oh what a day that will be when he will be able to run and embrace Brandon, being exactly as God created them both to be, with no fear, no anger, no loss, only LOVE…

I hope that I am there that day. I hope I can meet him, hug him, and tell him that I am grateful for him.

That is LOVE…it goes beyond what we see into the very depths of heaven and earth, life and death.

From my heart to your hand Michael.

This week is Spring Break. I can not begin to tell you how much I have longed for this break. I have needed to be able to sit on the beach and let the water lap at my feet, to feel the sand between my toes, to think about the fact that God knows me, like he knows how many grains of sand are sliding out of my hand back into the ocean. That thougth stops me in my tracks. Sometimes I feel like that tiny grian of sand on the beach. Looking around wondering "Am I all that different, do I have a purpose, can you call me by name, do you even know my name?"  

 

Last week I got a resounding "YES!!!!" to that question. As you all know I have been raising money to go live in Africa for a year. If you have never had to do something like raise $40,000 you should try it. I have been blown away with not only Gods way of lavishing love on me, but with how giving my family and friends have been. It is easy to go through life and feel completely alone, even in a crowded room of people. When you have to put yourself out there, lean on others for your very livelyhood, for the support that will change the lives of many, your faith is pushed and kneeded into something you never thought possible.

 

About two weeks ago I got an email from an old youth group friend. I have known this couple for more than 15 years. It has been probably 10 since I have talked to them in person. As I was talking to them I was so excited that they wanted to support Uganda that I really was not even thinking of myself. I told them all about GSF and how they are changing lives. I went on and on about how they love people with the love of Christ and try their best to help the Ugandan people take ownership of their jobs so that they can support themselves. They asked me questions about what I would be doing and how I would help GSF with thier mission. At the end of the of the conversation they asked if they could help. I said YES!  I told them that there were many different ways they could help. They could support GSF, a child/children, or me with the babies home. 

 

This is where God showed off...

( I am changing names to keep them anonymous)

Jim and Sue- We would love to support you monthly

Me- Ok great! That is the best option for me.

Jim-We would love to give you $600 a month

Me----What? $600....a....month?

Sue- You heard him right, $600 a month!

Me---I... OMG... thank...thank you...

Sue- We just want to support you

Me.......

Sue- Are you there?

Me- Yes... I need a minut, I am in shock, that is amazing...( at this point I am crying and laughing at the same time)

Jim- well you needed $7000 right? Now you have it.

 

Sometimes I feel like a grain of sand on a seashore. I wonder do you reall know me? Can you really call me by name? There are so many of us out there needing help, needing love, needing support, needing, needing, needing...and then I remember...

 

He knows how every grain of sand was made, how it got to Surf Side beach, and where it will end up next. Maybe one came home with me... and in it is my little peice of hope, my reminder that God knows my name. That he knows your name. If he knows all the grains of sand on a beach how much more does he know us?

 

I hear him say Beloved I know you, I know what you need, where you are at, and where you are going. Trust in me and rivers of joy will fill your soul. For the first time in my life I am so sure that I am right where I need to be. Not that my life is easy right now because someone decided to listen to Christ and give me $7200. I am actually having a really hard time right now. My heart is hurting and my chest is heavy. You see its not about the money. It's about Chrisst love for me. It's about having that love in a tangable way. Its about reaching out and touching the face of God! 

 

So think about yourself. Think about how God wants to love you. Don't be scared to walk into your dreams. God will call you out of the mass if you want him to. He will send you out into your dream with a resounding YES if you trust him. I know this to be true. He is calling us Beloved...will you listen?

 

 

Below are two different links.

The first is an adoption story. I story about family and love. I story
about getting out of your confort zone and seeing, really seeing the
world around you...Its about giving the greatest gift...love

This is GSF where I am moving to in 4 months...

http://www.higherconceptmedia.com/gsf/gsfr1.mov

The second link is about Joseph Kony. If you don’t know who he is you
are among many. He is the leader of the LRA (Lords Resistance Army).
He has been killing, raping, abducting, and mutilating children for 26
years in Africa. There is a movement to stop him and you can help.
Please watch the video and send it to everyone you know. We, you, have
the power to stop him.

kony2012.com

Both videos impact the world in radical ways, both offer life, both
encourage you to step into pain and help heal it.

The power of ONE...

I am at school, sending this post via my iPhone so if it is a mess grammatically sorry :) I just had a revelation that I wanted to share.

We do nap time everyday at school. Most of the kids fall right to sleep. We play hard in the morning and by lunch the kids are fighting sleep as we read a lunch story.

Today as we all got to our places I was sitting with my normal student who does not sleep :( and I heard one of the other kids crying having a hard time.

This is pretty normal but today I was struck by the fact that I am a lot like her. Ashley, the pre-k teacher was rubbing her back whispering to her and from no where the child said out loud "it's ok", "it's ok" in between sobs. I smiled so big at the sound of that. This particular child is autistic and does not really say much unless it is a song. So to hear her say something so clear and so fitting for her situation I was happy.

So how is this related to me? Well as I was giggling to myself it was as if God whispered to me "it's like me and you."

I find myself in situations where I know that I am safe and taken care of but I can't hold in my fear. I am laying on a cot with God rubbing my back whispering sweet things to me.

And all I know what to do is say "it's ok, it's ok."

And I can hear God chuckling. Not because he wants to make fun of me but because he loves me and is glad that deep down I do know that I am ok.

Some days I lay on that cot and fall fast asleep, off in dream land before I realize it.

Some days it takes me a while to let go and give in, to tell myself "it's ok". I get caught up in my fear. But if I listen to the Holy Spirit whispering to me I can hold on to those words running over me and I settle in and rest.

Then there are days where I don't give in. I wrestle with him to the point of exhaustion. It does me no good. To lay there and fight. But I can give control over because the fear is "to much". What I need in that instant is a perspective change. Thankfully God does not leave me. He stays with me as I fight. I can feel him rubbing my back much like the child laying on the cot screaming while Ashley runs her back.

Maybe this is the perspective I need. To see Ashley "wrestle" the child to sleep. Not because she is mean or wants her to miss out, not to punish her, but because rest is deeply needed.

Today I am the child saying "it's ok". And the Holy Spirit is whispering over me truth. I am holding on to that truth and storing it up in my heart.

Rest sweet one...

There is this place I enter into when I am listening to Music.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much in me, so much of heaven, or
what should have been, so much remembrance of who I am in Christ, hurt
that has been hiding for years, fears that lay next to dreams and
weave a covering over my heart that seems hard to separate for fear of
my heart stopping. Stunted, I can not express myself for fear of not
being able to stay composed.

And maybe that is the point…that I can not stay composed. I have lived
a lot of my life trying to stay composed, held together. I have let
myself “go” a little but not to the point of complete surrender.

What would it be like to really be sold out to living life freely in
Christ? To waking up each day and looking at the entangled mess that
my heart is and knowing that Christ started a good work in me and he
will not stop until it is completed. To look in the mirror and not
judge the person looking back at me but see the true reflection of who
I am, the beloved of Christ.

I find that I can do that, enter in, lay flat before the LORD, be
still…when I am listening to music. It is the perfect outlet because
the artist distills the feeling, emotion, fears, and the words into
something that I can express, hold onto, say...

David Crowder Band does this on a level that not many bands do…I will
miss them so much.

Here are some of my most cherished lyrics from DCB.

Sequence 4
The red of blood hit the dirt
And the whole earth mourned and the whole earth shook
As we watched the nail into a tree
Oh the wretched souls of sinners like me

Faint and weary you have sought me
Oh my Saviour God through the cross you have bought me
What a love, your son for my salvation
What a cost, your wondrous incarnation

God you came
God you came
My God you came down

How he loves me
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are,
and how great Your affections are for me.

Come and Listen
Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Deliver me
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

Do not move
No, I don't want to move.
I don't want to move and I don't think I could.

Breathe in deeper now.
Breathe in deeper now.
Breathe in deeper, breathe in now.

The costliest of costs.
The deadliest of loss.
The wonder of the cross.
The breath of life that stops,
The hope of Heaven bought.
The wonder of the cross.
The wonder of the cross.

Breathe in deeper now (The wonder of the cross).

You are my joy
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

Wow! What a day we had yesterday! Thank you so much to everyone that came out to support GSF and my move there. Here are a the fun pics form the day...

We had such a great time laughing and hanging out. Watching David do his craft is AMAZING!

Thank you to David Stanly who gave up 4 and a half hours of his day to draw for the fund raiser.

Thank you to Christina Brown for letting us use her beautiful home.

Thank you to everyone who came out and waited to be drawn, and those of you who had to leave because we ran out of time. I guess in a way that is a good problem to have.

We raised $550!!!!!!!! God is good!

I feel so blessed!

 

Thank you to David Stanley for drawing me so perfectly it the picture
above! I think it captures my joy and love for Africa and the babies.

***Christian Brown will be having a Caricature Fundraiser Party on Feb
11th from 2p.m.-5p.m.. Her address is 2629 Beechwood St. Greensboro
NC 27403. You can come have a caricature drawn of you and your family,
mingle with others, enjoy desserts, and ask me any questions about my
trip. All donations will go to my fund for my trip to Africa. If you
like the picture above, come out and get one made for yourself!

UPDATE

I have raised $28,000 so far! Praise God for all his provision. I am
well on my way to my goal. If you would like to donate to Global on my
behalf there is a donate button to the right of this post. It will
take you to Global Outreaches donation page where you will find my
listing under Africa. It is fast and easy.

You may remember me sending out an “Important Blog” ( but I spelled it
Bolg because I was typing to fast). I was asking for someone to donate
a computer. I am so happy to tell yall that someone gave me a bran new
computer! It will be such a blessing to me and everyone that works in
the babies house. To the person who donated the computer…THANK YOU!

Hope to see all that can attend at the Party!

Last night I sat on my kitchen floor listening to a new worship CD
that is really helping me meet Christ in ways I long for. I have
craved to sit in the presense of Christ. Monday I started packing up
my life here in the states, so many emotions follow... Union Pursuit
(the new CD) was on and I could not contain myself I had to stop and
DANCE.

Have you ever had that feeling? Like if you don’t dance you might miss
something special? I love that verse in Jer 29. that says "it is like
fire in my bones I can not keep it in." It is funny how things go
through your mind when you finally give in and just dance, let
yourself go. This was my thought process...

I give it all to you God trusting that you will make something
beautiful out of me...( time slows down and I move before the LORD. My
hands are raised up in the air wanting to be as "open" as possible)...
I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the
maker of heaven. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide
open...( I am dancing now, letting go feeling the music, dancing
before the lord)...

Then I hear the neighbor...and I think "They are going to think I am
crazy! Maybe I should stop singing so loud, stop dancing? Is this
crazy?"

(I stop for a moment and then start dancing again because I can not
stop! I can not give in to the negative voices. Who cares if my
neighbor thinks I am crazy, I am crazy, crazy in love with Jesus!
Overwhelmed that he loves me so much that he died for me, that he
loves me in my fullness, loved me before, now and in the future no
matter what I do, no matter what I hold onto out of fear.)

"There's nothing I hold on to, there's nothing I hold on to, there's
nothing I hold on to, I give it all to you GOD trusting that you will
make something beautiful out of me!!!" I dance for a full 15 min and
ten play the song again because I dont want to stop dancing, being in
his presence.

I see now what "peace that passes all understanding" means.

I have lost a lot in the past few years. Best friends that I thought
would be here forever (with this I lost having someone that knew me
well and could speak into my life, someone that knew just what to say
to make me laugh, who prayed over me, cried with me, loved me...),

I lost a man that I loved and thought I was going to marry (so many
dreams lost with this, a family, children, someone to witness my life,
push me when things got hard and fears crept in, everyday
companionship...)

A job I love that I am giving up to go to Africa and the security of a
pay check.

So many tears shed over the past 2 years.

YET...YET...

I am here dancing in my kitchen...LAUGHING, crying, PRAISING, knowing,
TRUSTING...

Because in all the pain there is good. God has held me tight, loved me
so well, blessed me so much, cried with me, talked me out of fears,
let me be where I am.

I love the painting above because with out the red in it there would
be no painting. It would not impact the viewer because there would be
nothing to draw the eyes. I think joy is like that in the midst of
pain. It draws the eyes, the heart in and says there is something
more.

MORE…

Africa! He is giving me a family, children, a different community,
loving me in ways that only he knows how to love me. He knit me
together in my mother’s womb. Who better to give me the “more” than
him.

I welcome the pain in the midst of the joy, and the joy in the midst
of the pain…both teach me to love, trust, and rely on Christ.

Dancing makes me see joy come to life. Lets me express my thankfulness
because in the end "There is not place I would rather be than in your
love. Set a fire down in my soul that I cant contain that I cant
control. I want more of you God. I want more of you God." (Union
Pursuit)

Thank you Jesus for loving me hard.

Being single is hard. Over the years I have been learning how to
embrace my singleness and live life to the fullest. There are days,
months, where I don’t really think about being single because I feel
the Lord’s is with me, I am at peace. Then there are days that I long
for a family, to have someone witness my life, challenge me, love me
hard. It is these days where I need a tangible Lord…He always shows
up…

It’s Friday night and I am at a worship night with a friend and her husband.

I am alone again…

I love to worship especially if it is worship that in not boxed in or
contained. I look around and watch all the people worship, praise the
God that loves them so much and I smile. We all offer worship in
different ways.

Beauty bursting around the room.

A girl gets up and starts talking about how we are the Beloved of
Christ. For those of you who don’t know this that word is very special
to me. I am lost in what she is saying and then the thought is
interrupted by her request…

“I want you to turn to the person next to you and tell them that they
are the Beloved of Christ. I know that this can be cheesy but I want
you to fight that temptation to laught and be silly and really speak
into their life by telling them this truth. YOU are the BEOVED of
Christ.”

Well I immediately think “Great, I don’t have a person next to me, I’m
not with anyone, I am alone, I am going to be that girl…”

Then I hear the Holy Spirit, “You are not alone…”

I close my eyes, fight off the feeling of being alone, and decide to
trust the voice. My eyelids fall shut and the darkness takes over.
Then I see him, sitting in front of me. Looking at me as if I am the
only one in the room.

Christ was sitting right in front of me.

“YOU are my BELOVED”

I hold is gaze for a moment and then turn my head because his eyes are
so piercing. There is too much behind those eyes, so much love,
acceptance, I have to look away. I am not worthy of those eyes.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see him lift his hands. He places
them on my face and turns my head back towards him. He just smiles and
a tear fell from his eye.

“YOU, CASIA, are my BELOVED”

I was so taken aback. How can you love me so much? Why are you showing
up here, for me, in the middle of all these people? Tears spilled over
my eyes lids. They run down my cheeks. We are both so over come by
love that we are moved to tears.

A divine moment, a thin place where the seen and unseen meet.

I am not alone. I may be single but I will never be alone.

I was so lost in the moment with Christ that it took me a minute to
realize that a friend was tapping me on the shoulder. I wanted to stay
right there, sitting with Christ, but I knew that he would and will be
there whenever I need him.

I looked up at my friend and she said “you know I hate these things
but… you are the beloved.”

We both laughed as tears fell from my eyes.

I am never alone…